between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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