He uses pillows to masturbate.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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