are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
