3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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