just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
