There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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