Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
