I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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