paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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