is your mom at the bar?
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
