my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
