All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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