I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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