Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I think my fart just growled at me.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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