guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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