my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
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