Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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