all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
