He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
