Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm sobbing to NWA
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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