I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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