So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize