Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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