I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
