Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
