he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
