i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
