Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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