Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
