Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
