this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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