you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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