there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
