peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
