finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
why do cheetos always look like penises
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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