Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i can't believe i had my finger in that
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
