nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
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