The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
