people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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