I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
