if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
