my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
