so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
