marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
