NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize