even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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