I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
