I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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