I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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