My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
