Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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