Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
