Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
