Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
