legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
