I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
