Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
