we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
