Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm like, not good at living.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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