dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
