this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
